Designer: mariam
Codings: Manikka
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Finally I have some time to blog! haha... I have been mugging for the past few days that I couldn't blog. This entry is going to consist of a few days' information.

Friday was the first time I ever felt what itwas like to be a sheep without a shepard and broken off from the entire herd. I always heard for thr term 'lost sheep' but I never really understood what it felt like to be the lost sheep. During chinese lesson, some go for malay, tamil, higher chinese while I, this one patetic person, go for CLB. After chinese lesson, my class had to attend this conference/talk but the Arabs. Miss Lee TT went to inform everyone except me. So, after chinese (it was supposed to be PE) I happily went to the hardcourt to wait for my class. After about 10 minutes for waiting I realised that they must have been somewhere else. No one from my class was there; not the malay girls, not the tamil girls... Even seeing ONE girl would have made things better. NONE!... none at all... I was walking to the school hall where the saudi arabia exhibition was held to look for my class when i saw one of my classmate on usher duty. She said that they werein the auditorium. Then miss Lee walked past, looked at me and said, " wo wang le ni (I forgot about u)" :'( I felt like crying... don't get me wrong, i wasn't angry or upset. I was relieved and at the same time shocked. Sniff* ... anyway, she helped me sneak in through the back door. heheez... the talk was so long we missed recess and most of chemistry. mr yeo wasn't too happy about it. vanessa was at my school listen to the talk too! wow... she is a prefect. haha. during my brack she came up behind me, grabbed my plate of rice and started eating. haha. our friends were in a state of shock. (-.-''') just because we are from different school doesn't mean we dont know each other. haha. after chemistry we had another talk, carreer talk. so lame, we slept throughout. I dont know how i anyhow answer question still can win a calender. (-.-''') thanks, but now is almost the middle of the year still giving calenders. After school, stayed back to go through with the cadets the red cross day procedures. They seem to know what is supposed to happen so i hope nothing goes wrong on that day for both npcc and RC. Some junior bought for us a VERY big chocolate cake so we ended up giving three big slices to our YOs. haha. At night had tkd. Exercise abit... that's all for my friday.

Satuday, we hike up bukit timah. Ginni and i remembered the place from our OAC days. haha.it was quie boring just walking. luckily we had some major obstacles to cross. unfortunatley, one junior cut herself attempting to climb over a fence. Later, we had to go down this steep slope. A few of us (inc. ginni and i) stationed ourselves at points on the slope to help the cadets down. actually, i have a slight phobia of heights. I couldnt show it as it would not look good for the juniors to see. Luckily, some of my friends knew and helped me. hehheez. after the hike i went to eat at this jap rest. with my oarents. the food was great. it think i'm going to put on weight because of that. 4.15pm went to church. reached early cos got usher duty. I dressed up as a boy! Shirt and tie! COOL!!! I bought them at a guy department store. I really looked like a guy! so happy! I think I'm obsessed with looking like guy (-.-'''). haha. so glad. after that i went to play pool with my friends. went home later, slept late.

Sunday: mummy and daddy left home at 7pm to catch their flight to beijing. later, i left for my church child care duty... nothing much to talk about. my sunday was just homework, studies and exercise. with all the exercise i do i'm still not losing weight...

I know this is long but i dont want my blog rotting away. haha...

I think my feelings kinda exploded inside me last sunday. I don't usually express my feelings so opening especially if I am feeling sad or upset. I didn't have an outlet so my cooped up feelings were just tough to bear for that moment. I used to be good at supressing my feelings but since I just got it back, I have to get used to controlling them again. I think I'm getting the hang of it. Its been a year since I got a chance to feel upset, angry or sad and I think I handled it quite well. I managed to hide it so well my dad didn't even know that I was upset. Sometimes, I think my acting is too good for my own good. At least I'm no longer so numb.

Today, we let someone else command during morning assembly for the first time. First time for her to command, first time for us to put her up there. Yesterday when we practiced during training, she was loud enough for me to hear her from the back of the hard court. This morning, she was just talking to herself! I was standing in the front but I could hardly hear her. The reserve commander at the back of her later told me that she was nervous. RIGHT!!! She didn't look nervous at all. She looked so calm and IGNORANT! I'm never going to put her up there again. There was no effort seen. I really wanted to make the two ommanders switch places half-way. I really hope the next few commanders will do much better. At least show some effort. . .

Last sunday after service at the indoor stadium, my parents, their cell friends and I went for lunch. I wish I never went but I had to cos they were going to send me straight to taekwondo grading. The first thing which made me upset was that my dad scolded me for smsing. We were moving tables and how do u expect me to stone at a table while waiting for my parents to find another table? (we moved table 3 times!) When we finally settled down, my father (as usual) went around talking to everyone else. My blood started to boil when my mum turned to me and ask why i havent bought my food yet. (o.O)!!! We moved table THREE times how do u expect me to have time to walk around to buy food when i had to stay at the table and reserve seats? ok... so my mum sent me to buy food for myself. After walking a few rounds round the endless hawker centre, I received a call from my dad telling me to back to my seat cos he ordered chicken rice. The moment i sat down, my mum said," where is your food? daddy did not order chicken rice for u only for us (she and her cell friends). Go and buy your food" (O.o) When I walked past my dad's table he told me to sit down as he ordered my share and to tell mum that i dont have to buy my food. The internal bomb in me was about to explode. At my seat my mother insisted that she didnt order chicken rice for me as I didnt like and i was worried about being fat. What the F***!!! I'm not my sister! I can eat anything! Even if I'm worried about gaining weight I would not be so rude as to buy something else when everyone is eating the same thing! I have eaten the worst of everything and even ended up in a beijing hospital under drip because of food poisioning and I can't take chicken rice??!!! I tried to make her see my point of view and since my blood was already boiling i wasn't calm enough to put it across in a nice way. My parents SERIOUSLY lack communication, SERIOUSLY!!! My sister was out with her cell friends somewhere else. I wished the i was out to, anywhere just away from them. I rather eat alone. I bought some friend carrot cake just for show. At that time, i really didnt feel like eating anymore. My internal bomb had jus exploded. I could feel the tears starting to fill my eyes and immediately I stopped them. I was getting good at stopping my tears, too good. The fired carrot cake looked nice but it didnt taste nice, nothing did. I forced food down my throat because I had to. Because I couldnt express my feelings out, my heart took double the pain. After one long year of feeling so numb and many months for emotional and spiritual healing, I can finally feel again. When I'm getting used to having feelings again, I have to feel pain. i guess it all comes together to make u who u are. *Note: Pls don't get the wrong idea, I didn't fall into depression* ... So while I tried to force feed myself, I really need a friend to help me carry this burden. I told my friend i would call my friend later to talk to my friend about this problem. Later, i realised i couldnt call my friend because I had grading. after that, I had simmered down so i couldnt bring myself to talk about it... Yupz... so now u know why i didnt call.
Anyway, I think I should have passed my grading cos the examiner never ask us to redo so it should be fine. results will be out in a few weeks time. I'll update again soon...

Recently, I found out the my parents read my diary. So, I'm going to write in my blog instead of my diary. My parents are not very IT savvy so they won't be able to read this. However, now my father know all about me; all the things I never told him before, all the things I don't intend to tell him, all my personal secrets. He know my past, the past part of me which i'm trying to hide... I dead... so dead... I'll see how things turn out. Now i'm hiding my diary in plain sight, i hope its safe enough.
Anyway, now i know lending your friends your phone is not safe. one of my committee member took my phone and happily open my inbox and saw alot of smses from a friend. Now my committee is suanning me. its NOT funny, not funny at all. jus because that friends is also coming to help with some other unit stuff they have some weird ideas... (o.O) not funny...
Today, Mrs Kong(principal) said that my commanding is good. I never expected her to say such things. I believe that my unit cadets are as capable. That's all for today. I got lots of hw to do so i gtg. Tmr is 2.4 run, wish me luck